Hello, friends. I know that two posts in one day is a little excessive, but I couldn’t help but write this out. I know I use a lot of food and shopping to get through my problems, but writing is its own kind of therapy, too.
Today, I find myself really remembering the initial heartbreak of the day I found a hotel receipt with my husband’s name on it. I remember the physical agony, the loss of appetite, interest, excitement for life. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t want to kill myself, but if someone else did, I would be grateful for the release.
These days, the combination of friends, family, and happy pills blocks out most of those feelings. That doesn’t mean that they never rise up, but I do my best to keep them at bay. I have done a respectable job of desensitizing myself to most memories: pictures of the wedding & honeymoon, the china cabinet, the old dog tags with our shared last name on them.
This week, the pain is back as I change my last name for the second time this year. In addition to being a huge pain in the ass, it is a very emotional process. For anyone who has ever gone through a name change, you know how many forms there are. When I got married, I bought a name change service (called “Miss Now Mrs.”) to aggregate the forms. I logged back in today so that I could print out those forms for a second time, and the fact that I hadn’t even finished all of the forms for my first name change broke my heart.
I don’t know if a part of me is holding on to the beautiful relationship I thought I had, but filling out these forms is harder for me than signing the annulment papers was. I love all of the attention that comes with being single, and I am grateful for it in this moment. Nevertheless, it is hard to let go of my last tie to my ex. I loved him more than all of the food and clothes in the world, and I hope that one day, I can find someone else to love that much.
In a moment of self torture, I will share a couple of my precious wedding photos. It is a shame these will never hang on any walls again, because the love in them was so very real. At least from my side.