Christmastime is here. I wish I could say that it hasn’t brought on any tears yet, but I can’t.
Interestingly enough, my family has no idea that I was crying myself to sleep from 10-12 last night. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I don’t know why I have been acting so strange around them. I tell them I’m fine and even crack jokes about my ex to prove it. Then, I run off to do my crying alone and make sure that the tears run down my face without sobs or sounds.
Maybe I am trying to protect them. When my ex decided to cheat on me, he hurt my entire family. They have been almost as devastated as I have by everything and it breaks my heart to see what he has done to them, too. I see the tears in their eyes when they ask me how I am holding up, the genuine care and love that they have for me. Just yesterday, out of nowhere, my sister pulled me close in the middle of a bar for a tearful embrace. “I wish I could just keep you in a bubble and take you with me everywhere,” she whispered. “Then I could always protect you and nothing could hurt you anymore.”
I want to be strong for them, to show them that we are all going to get through this as a family and that next Christmas will be better. I don’t want them to hurt anymore. I don’t want him to run our lives forever.
They know I am in pain, but I won’t let them help me. Why? Why, when I have the most caring and loving family I could ask for, do I escape in silence to let my tears out? Why do I take their right to console me away?
Today, on Christmas, I am going to make a concerted effort to let them in. I know deep down that is what they want, and I need to understand that they are in pain because of this, too. Maybe they need a good cry as much as I do. Today, I will embrace my blessings and let my family feel whatever love, hate, anger, grief, and happiness they need to. I can’t keep going on this journey alone, especially when I am surrounded by so much true love and support.
Give your family hugs today. If you are lucky enough to have one like mine, appreciate them for everything they are worth. Remember that love doesn’t have to be romantic. Sometimes the type that isn’t is the longest lasting, most selfless, and purest kind.