Resolutions for the Single Lady

For the newly or perpetually single, the nightmare of Christmas has finally come and gone. You’ve suffered through being the player that makes an odd number for family board games. You’ve thrown up in your mouth as your relative gushed over the diamond necklace she received from her sweet, wonderful hubby-kins. You’ve guzzled down eggnog, cider, or just straight liquor as your mother assures and reassures you that “you won’t be lonely long.” You even made an extra batch of cookies to keep on your nightstand in case of emergency.

Now that the stockings have come down and every radio station has stopped playing different versions of “Last Christmas” on repeat, it’s time to move on to the best (or potentially second worst – Valentine’s day trumps) holiday in a single lady’s life: New Year’s Eve.  This holiday is truly what you make of it. It can be a time for dwelling on how much smaller your tummy was last year and how you have no idea if anyone will want to kiss your sorry ass at midnight.  Alternatively, you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, put some Spanx on that belly, and get your fabulous new shoes to the nearest bar.  Given how shitty 2011 has been, I choose the latter.

I could not be happier to end this bitch of a year and begin a new era as a single, fabulous, and probably very drunk lady.  2012 is going to bring joy and happiness, I refuse to believe otherwise. The 6-month marriage of 2011 has got to earn me some good karma, right?  To best enjoy the many blessings I had better have in store, I have constructed a short list of resolutions that every single lady should embrace.

1. Stay single as long as you feel like it. Having experience in the married-my-first-boyfriend department, I can tell you that it isn’t a fairy tale. Even while happily married, it always bothered me that I didn’t know what else was out there. Don’t rush into commitment just to have someone. That’s what casual dating is for. Embrace your singlehood until you find someone who truly rises above the others.

2. Balance losing weight, loving yourself, and above all – loving food. What girl doesn’t have “lose 5/10/20 lbs” on their list of resolutions? There is a reason I don’t go to the gym the first week of the new year. Crazy bitches like that are taking all of the good treadmills. And you know what? The gym is back to normal exactly one week later. This is because people don’t know how to mix diet and exercise with confidence. In my experience, being disgusted with myself only makes me work out for a day, then drink lots of wine and bake. It’s when I am comfortable in my skin that I exercise and eat best. Speaking of eating- why would anyone ever stop doing that?? Food is delicious. Moderate your intake, but never miss out on the culinary wonders the world has to offer. It’s only going to piss you off and lead to “FUCK THIS DIET, I’m eating three cupcakes” an hour later.

3. Date, date, date. People often place a lot of pressure on dating, as if you are supposed to be 97% compatible according to OkStupid before you can get coffee together. Dating is fun, even when it’s not. In fact, terrible dates often make the best stories. Being single is all about putting yourself out there, for better or for worse. Give people a chance and see where it goes.

4. When in doubt, buy the shoes. I think this rule applies every year, single or not. Here are some lovelies that I invested in for my NYE boyscouting. Like I don’t already have enough shoes.

Single ladies of the world, approach NYE with caution. Resist finishing the batch of cookies on your nightstand. Cancel your busy schedule of watching the ball drop on TV with your parents. Get your ass in a dress and find yourself a new boy toy for the new year.

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2 thoughts on “Resolutions for the Single Lady

  1. singlenocats says:

    I love this! Good advice. I am in Florida to avoid the whole “lonely New Years” situation. And girl, those shoes are AWESOME!

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