Hello, 2012. You’re not what I thought you’d be.

Rejection is a painful reminder that finding love is a two-way street.  I am not sure what I thought was going to happen on the first day of the new year, but this wasn’t it.

Maybe I hoped that the shift to 2012 would be monumental and symbolic, that bad things would stop happening to me simply because I have been through enough.  Maybe I thought that after midnight, I’d find a new love interest, or even just a five dollar bill.  Things would look up and the world wouldn’t seem so sad anymore. I wouldn’t seem so sad anymore.

But when all is said and done, last night didn’t change the tides of fate. The universe didn’t get the memo that 2011 was a shitty year, so it was time to make 2012 a good one.

I’m sitting on the same couch as I did one year ago when I first moved into this apartment with my fiance. I had so much to be thankful for, so much love and happiness in my heart. Today, all I can feel is alone.

I woke up in a stranger’s bed and felt nothing for him. Actually, all I could think was how I wished I was with Bachelor #2 instead. I actually missed him, which was the only way I knew that my heart hadn’t completely turned to stone. I texted him to say happy new year. Then, after a couple of texts about his plans for this week, he broke up with me.

I didn’t know you could have a breakup before you went on an actual date, but that’s what it felt like. I haven’t met anyone I clicked with that well in a long time, so it was surprising when he told me he didn’t see this going anywhere and that he just wasn’t interested. It hurts.

I’m not self-conscious or heartbroken, just very sad. I feel like I’m in one of those cartoons where a storm cloud is always there, raining only on you.  I suppose I didn’t realize how lonely I have been until someone I truly liked was dangled in front of me and ripped away.  On top of it all, I miss my husband, the one I knew and loved. The one who never really existed.

In spite of everything, I still have hope. Hope for love, hope for happiness, hope that things will start to come to a new normal. But hope isn’t going to stop the tears today.

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One thought on “Hello, 2012. You’re not what I thought you’d be.

  1. Meg says:

    Regardless of where I am in life, New Year’s always feels like a letdown. It makes me sad every year. Sending good vibes that 2012 is filled with great things for you!

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