Rejection is a painful reminder that finding love is a two-way street. I am not sure what I thought was going to happen on the first day of the new year, but this wasn’t it.
Maybe I hoped that the shift to 2012 would be monumental and symbolic, that bad things would stop happening to me simply because I have been through enough. Maybe I thought that after midnight, I’d find a new love interest, or even just a five dollar bill. Things would look up and the world wouldn’t seem so sad anymore. I wouldn’t seem so sad anymore.
But when all is said and done, last night didn’t change the tides of fate. The universe didn’t get the memo that 2011 was a shitty year, so it was time to make 2012 a good one.
I’m sitting on the same couch as I did one year ago when I first moved into this apartment with my fiance. I had so much to be thankful for, so much love and happiness in my heart. Today, all I can feel is alone.
I woke up in a stranger’s bed and felt nothing for him. Actually, all I could think was how I wished I was with Bachelor #2 instead. I actually missed him, which was the only way I knew that my heart hadn’t completely turned to stone. I texted him to say happy new year. Then, after a couple of texts about his plans for this week, he broke up with me.
I didn’t know you could have a breakup before you went on an actual date, but that’s what it felt like. I haven’t met anyone I clicked with that well in a long time, so it was surprising when he told me he didn’t see this going anywhere and that he just wasn’t interested. It hurts.
I’m not self-conscious or heartbroken, just very sad. I feel like I’m in one of those cartoons where a storm cloud is always there, raining only on you. I suppose I didn’t realize how lonely I have been until someone I truly liked was dangled in front of me and ripped away. On top of it all, I miss my husband, the one I knew and loved. The one who never really existed.
In spite of everything, I still have hope. Hope for love, hope for happiness, hope that things will start to come to a new normal. But hope isn’t going to stop the tears today.