At 24 years old, I have an ex-husband. It’s a strange predicament and one I certainly never envisioned myself in, but none of us chooses his life’s afflictions. We simply accept them and live the best we can.
Telling my story aloud no longer troubles me. In fact, it’s amazing how desensitized I have become. I loved, I lost, and somehow I wound up at the same passive indifference as the counterparts of that cliche.
Before you misinterpret that, know that I loved my husband in every way a wife should. There was passion, playfulness, companionship, and depth in our relationship. For months after my d-day, it felt like he died. I spoke to no one and cried in silence, all the while stifling a gigantic scream. The pain was physical and I would sometimes spend hours just trying to catch my breath.
Now, six months later, it feels like he never was. Like we never were. I can’t remember the butterflies he gave me or how it felt to dance with him in our kitchen. I don’t slip into depression nearly as often. When I do, my mind is blank. I could stare at the same page in a book for an hour, unable to form a single thought or interpretation of the English language.
Sometimes I feel guilty for forgetting. Like I am letting a precious gift, transient though it was, drift off from existence. Usually, I blame the drugs. A part of me wonders how long this will last. Is it my mind’s way of keeping me going – obliterating memories connected to the pain I am too weak to bear?
On nights like tonight, I feel suddenly lonely. One moment I am painting my nails, and the next the world just doesn’t feel okay anymore. A couple glasses of wine later, things get worse. I could seek out a friend or call my mother, but depression is funny like that. The lonelier you feel, the greater your desire to be alone.
Inducing tears isn’t so bad when crying is the only solution that will make you feel better. The only way to make you feel something. Through my experiences, I’ve learned that anger, sadness, and depression can result from loss of a deep love. But only a great love can make it hurt so badly that you can’t even feel those anymore.
I still believe I was lucky enough to have one in my life, but I hope it’s not the only. May we all have great love in our future.