Love Lost

At 24 years old, I have an ex-husband. It’s a strange predicament and one I certainly never envisioned myself in, but none of us chooses his life’s afflictions. We simply accept them and live the best we can.

Telling my story aloud no longer troubles me. In fact, it’s amazing how desensitized I have become.  I loved, I lost, and somehow I wound up at the same passive indifference as the counterparts of that cliche.

Before you misinterpret that, know that I loved my husband in every way a wife should. There was passion, playfulness, companionship, and depth in our relationship. For months after my d-day, it felt like he died. I spoke to no one and cried in silence, all the while stifling a gigantic scream. The pain was physical and I would sometimes spend hours just trying to catch my breath.

Now, six months later, it feels like he never was. Like we never were. I can’t remember the butterflies he gave me or how it felt to dance with him in our kitchen. I don’t slip into depression nearly as often. When I do, my mind is blank. I could stare at the same page in a book for an hour, unable to form a single thought or interpretation of the English language.

Sometimes I feel guilty for forgetting. Like I am letting a precious gift, transient though it was, drift off from existence. Usually, I blame the drugs. A part of me wonders how long this will last. Is it my mind’s way of keeping me going – obliterating memories connected to the pain I am too weak to bear?

On nights like tonight, I feel suddenly lonely. One moment I am painting my nails, and the next the world just doesn’t feel okay anymore. A couple glasses of wine later, things get worse. I could seek out a friend or call my mother, but depression is funny like that. The lonelier you feel, the greater your desire to be alone.

Inducing tears isn’t so bad when crying is the only solution that will make you feel better. The only way to make you feel something. Through my experiences, I’ve learned that anger, sadness, and depression can result from loss of a deep love. But only a great love can make it hurt so badly that you can’t even feel those anymore.

I still believe I was lucky enough to have one in my life, but I hope it’s not the only. May we all have great love in our future.

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11 thoughts on “Love Lost

  1. emarie24 says:

    That’s the worst thing about depression… I would just sit and cry and not be able to even call anybody because I felt so alone. I thought nobody would want to be there for me. But I would just crave my ex… and then I’d get to a point where I was empty. I’d just sit and stare and feel so empty. Luckily it’s been a month or two since I’ve had that happen (although I went through years of it in the past), but I still have moments where I just don’t even know what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling.

  2. Time is a good healer. God is even better.

  3. subhanzein says:

    Hi,

    If it’s any consolation, the greatest stories often are the greatest tragedies. Perhaps you’d like to write a memoir about your life the way Elizabeth Gilbert does it with her life Eat Pray Love. (www.elizabethgilbert.com)?

    Warm Regards,

    Subhan

  4. singlenocats says:

    Can’t even imagine 😦 I will be praying for you. Don’t ever think there’s anything wrong with being sad about everything you’ve gone through. When the time is right, you’ll move on and be happy again. Hang in there!

  5. smilesmommy says:

    I love the way you use your words. I could feel all the pain you describe. Like oldloveaffair, time will heal. And you will love again.

  6. […] And if you just want to straight up cry and/or feel better about your own life, read about mine here or here. […]

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