Can I Have Your Baby?

What is it about another person’s baby that makes a single woman’s uterus burn with desire? Could it be knowing you don’t have to change the diapers? The cold, hard proof that its mother is getting more action than you are? The thrilling danger associated with stealing it in the night and raising it as your own? (Kidding… kind of)

I am visiting a sweet little newborn tonight – one of the many my friends all seem to be having right now. Yes, my facebook feed is caught in a raging baby boom. Some of the babies are cute as hell.. others not so much. Let’s be honest- some newborns look like tiny aliens. It’s just a fact.

No matter how sci-fi, I want them all. I want their tiny hands and feet on my fingers. I want to coo in their chubby little faces. I want to tawk wike dis, oh yes I dew!

The female instinct mystifies me. It is only the most unstable, horrifying times in my life when I want a baby. It’s okay that I have no prospect of a positive male role model for a child to look up to… I could take care of it myself, right? It could just hang out with the dogs while I’m at work all day. They like kids… 

I have to wonder if somewhere in the female brain, babies are the default fix-it. The cure-all for depression, anxiety, heartache, and boredom. Isn’t that why Nicole Ritchie keeps having them?

No matter how much I love tiny little people and would love making them gourmet baby food with this, I think I will stick to the dogs for another five ten years. I place far too much value on free time, sleep, and alcohol at this point in my life to be a suitable mother. Besides, can you imagine what kind of a father the men I have been seeing lately would make?

Yes, it’s best to wait… best to wait.

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6 thoughts on “Can I Have Your Baby?

  1. You are too funny! My mom and I were just cooing over the most beautiful baby we’ve ever seen in Nordstrom over the weekend. A FULL head of black hair and a pink ribbon in it. (enter big sigh here)

    My “baby” is almost 20 and moved out on his own a few months ago. Newborns especially have a magic spell that surrounds them. Then…they grow into surly, opinionated teenagers. They no longer smell sweet and no one could pay you enough money to touch their feet. 😉

    • The one I met yesterday had SO much hair, too! It was adorable. I almost wish he was a girl so I could put a bow in it. When I was young and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said “I wanna be a mom!” Still holds. God help my next husband, I am going to want too many 🙂

  2. Baker Bettie says:

    This post scares me because I have the exact opposite reaction. I see women with babies and think “Oh. My. God. How am I ever going to do that?!” It scares the crap out of me. And for some reason they love me and always want me to pick them up. They are cute from far away, but put a baby in my arms and I am likely to have a panic attack. I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. Oh geez…

    • Hahaha, some women aren’t born with the urge, but if the day comes when you’re a mother, I am certain you’ll rise to the occasion. I think I came out of the womb ready to have my own newborns. There’s got to be a surplus of estrogen in my brain or something, I swear. Babies have me whipped.

  3. I have the same reaction that you do! I know I am not ready because I love my freedom and free time but geez, seeing one just does something to you! Ha.

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