When the Butterflies Fly Away

The night of my very first date, I almost called it off.

I sat on my bed that afternoon, rocking back and forth to ease the nausea. I had clear braces and overly highlighted hair, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he really liked me or it was all a joke. When I finally gathered my strength, I headed to the mall to meet him. And when I saw him, there they were. The butterflies.

That was the moment I fell in love with lust. The invigorating nerves that make you sweat more than you’d like your date to know. The embarrassing moment where you pretend you’re cold to explain why your hands are shaking. The kind of lust that’s neither sinful nor pointless. The potential precursor to love.

Ever since that night, I was hooked. I’m starting to think I must have gotten an extra dose of estrogen in the womb. Maybe I’m a little (boy) crazy, but I’ve had a serious crush on someone almost every day of my life. My ex-husband  was my ultimate crush… that is, until I found out what a scumbag sucklord of a cheating douchebag he was.

After that, something snapped. Standards plummeted. Alcohol tolerance soared. I started to truly believe my drunk dancing was sexy (that’s a scary thought, folks), and butterflies took a backseat. I wanted a man (or five), stat. Didn’t care if the guy never called me again – I was open for business. But no matter how I tried to escape them, the butterflies stayed.

They followed me to my steamy alleyway make-out session (which I highly recommend you put on your bucket list). To the street where Prince Charming rescued me and my sprained ankle in San Francisco. Christ, they even followed me to the loser who asked me to drinks and then took it back via text message.

And now, for the first time in my adult life, the butterflies are gone. Suddenly, inexplicably dead. Maybe I should feel empowered. After all, who wants to check their phone fifty times a day for some stupid guy? Or reply “maybe” to all other plans on the off-chance he wants to go to dinner that night? Or feel that shameful burn when your browser tells you his facebook profile has made your top ten most visited sites? Which, uh, happened to a dear friend of mine… who definitely was not me…

But let’s be real: a woman needs someone to fantasize about. Anyone. I’ve got nothing here. Zero. Whose face am I supposed to cut out of a yearbook and put on my old wedding pictures now, huh? Not that I’d ever show that to anyone do that.

So what gives? Have all the good men truly gone away, or have I become the Ice Queen of love – freezing all the little butterflies till they flutter no more?

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8 thoughts on “When the Butterflies Fly Away

  1. McMademoiselle Likes says:

    The butterflies will come back… maybe they’ve been there so often that now they have only decided to get out when the guy is worth it (afterall, those butterflies are lazy feckers….)!

  2. “Have all the good men truly gone away, or have I become the Ice Queen of love – freezing all the little butterflies till they flutter no more?”

    No… the ‘good men’ which you speak of… they haven’t gone. They’re out there wondering the same damn thing about the ‘good women’/diving into their profession when personal relationships turn sour/or so damaged from their previous relationship that they become somewhat paranoid that their paranoia will damage any further relationships.
    It could be something as simple as the thrill of the hunt that becomes intoxicating in and of itself. Getting to know someone… learning the right things they like… thinking about them more than a normal and healthy amount… It apparently shorts a critical series of circuits in our minds between the “I’m interested” and the “I’m insane” parts of our minds. We’re hardwired to learn – among other things – and being a suitor puts that ancient wheel a’ spinnin’…

    The butterflies are out there… it’s just a matter of the flora being right along with the planets being lined up, the Chinese zodiacs being compatible… ect…. Don’t bail on hope.

  3. Meg says:

    After breaking up with my first love, I was fairly convinced that I wasn’t ever going to feel “butterflies” for anyone again. That mess damn near wrecked me. I was so jaded that I didn’t get excited about dates for years — even after I was already in another relationship. (Not proud of it, but true.)

    However, as cliche as it sounds, I think the butterflies will return when you find someone truly butterfly-worthy — you know what I’m sayin’? It’s very easy to get hooked on love, that’s for sure, and who doesn’t want that? But some of these dudes are definitely not butterfly-worthy. And you deserve someone more than awesome . . . and you’ll find him. Keep on keepin’ on!

  4. I SOOO feel your post! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there like this. The butterflies will come back, but this time you’ll have more wisdom. When I met my second (and LAST) husband, I knew I had to change some of my behavior or lose him. I turned down the jealousy (not easy, even lesbians love this guy), and kept the crazy voices in my head where they belong. Now we’ve been married for over a year and together for five. And the butterflies are still floating around.

  5. Baker Bettie says:

    I know what you mean about the butterflies. I used to get them with everyone except when I started dating my husband. I never got them with him. And actually that is how I knew he was the right one. He is just my best friend and the most comfortable person I have ever been around. I promise good men are out there. And I know I am being captain cheesy right now, but I know you will find one someday who makes you feel 100% at home and allows you to be more yourself than you ever thought you could be around someone. ❤

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