Confession time: I am a former member of match.com.
Yes, I feel you judging me. Give me a break. Right after my annulment, I was feeling like a washed-up ex-wife who nobody would ever want to bang again. And even if they did, I would probably cry on them.
I needed to feel pretty again, even when I hadn’t showered in days, was surrounded by empty takeout containers, and was beginning to form mats in my hair. It’s funny that you think I’m exaggerating.
After some encouragement from friends, I took the leap. The volume of messages on the first few days was astounding. God, I am sexy, I thought to myself while stuffing a third brownie in my face.
I never met up with anyone, so I can’t specifically comment on the quality of men. However, I did read their messages.
Most were fairly standard: “Hi, how are you? Your profile caught my attention and I think we’d get along.” Some were… less standard. And just for all of you beautiful people, I have sorted through my email to find my all-time favorite messages from match men.
The Deep Connector
Subject: Have You Laughed Today? 🙂
I read your profile and there were a few things that I noticed about you: you care about friends, family, and faith; energetic, active and social; loves adventure and has ears for good music!
you have an easy smile that usually means you’re confident and easy-going.
I’m looking to develop a genuine connection… it felt that I aligned with the description of the person you’re looking for, and if you’re able to connect to a guy in a deep, emotional level… I may have found a quality lady… and would love to hear from you.
for example: where did you live before ATX?
Firstly, I’d like to thank you for telling me about myself. Very informative and interesting read.
Secondly, yes – I feel deeply connected to you, too… by reading the three sentences under the picture you took of yourself in the public bathroom mirror.
And where did I live before? Diving deep, sir. Diving deep.
You are very attractive. What do you consider your best features?
This is a great opening line! I have been waiting my whole life to tell a man what beautiful eyes and enormous breasts I have. Finally, now is the time. Dreams do come true.
Subject: When I read your profile I thought…
I don’t know if we’re a match, but you’re welcome to contact me if you desire
The beginning of a fairy tale love story. Gosh, I can hardly restrain myself from writing back! Boy do I want you. And the cats in your profile picture.
and finally, my absolute favorite…
The Straight Up Creep
aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I was thinking drinks before you take off sometime
I am still trying to decide if this is a compliment or not. Am I safe from the aliens and not sexy? Or am I taking off with the aliens, which is why you want to get drinks? Either way, let’s do it. We only have one life on this planet.