Online Dating: Some People are Still Single for a Reason

Confession time: I am a former member of match.com.

Yes, I feel you judging me. Give me a break. Right after my annulment, I was feeling like a washed-up ex-wife who nobody would ever want to bang again. And even if they did, I would probably cry on them.

I needed to feel pretty again, even when I hadn’t showered in days, was surrounded by empty takeout containers, and was beginning to form mats in my hair. It’s funny that you think I’m exaggerating.

After some encouragement from friends, I took the leap. The volume of messages on the first few days was astounding. God, I am sexy, I thought to myself while stuffing a third brownie in my face.

I never met up with anyone, so I can’t specifically comment on the quality of men. However, I did read their messages.

Most were fairly standard: “Hi, how are you? Your profile caught my attention and I think we’d get along.” Some were… less standard. And just for all of you beautiful people, I have sorted through my email to find my all-time favorite messages from match men.

The Deep Connector

Subject: Have You Laughed Today? 🙂

Hey there,
I read your profile and there were a few things that I noticed about you: you care about friends, family, and faith; energetic, active and social; loves adventure and has ears for good music!
you have an easy smile that usually means you’re confident and easy-going.
I’m looking to develop a genuine connection… it felt that I aligned with the description of the person you’re looking for, and if you’re able to connect to a guy in a deep, emotional level… I may have found a quality lady… and would love to hear from you.
for example: where did you live before ATX?

Firstly, I’d like to thank you for telling me about myself. Very informative and interesting read.

Secondly, yes – I feel deeply connected to you, too… by reading the three sentences under the picture you took of yourself in the public bathroom mirror.

And where did I live before? Diving deep, sir. Diving deep.

The Flatterer

Subject: Hello

You are very attractive. What do you consider your best features?

This is a great opening line! I have been waiting my whole life to tell a man what beautiful eyes and enormous breasts I have. Finally, now is the time. Dreams do come true.

Mr. Play-it-Cool

Subject: When I read your profile I thought…

I don’t know if we’re a match, but you’re welcome to contact me if you desire

The beginning of a fairy tale love story. Gosh, I can hardly restrain myself from writing back! Boy do I want you. And the cats in your profile picture. 

and finally, my absolute favorite…

The Straight Up Creep

Subject: Subject

aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I was thinking drinks before you take off sometime

I am still trying to decide if this is a compliment or not. Am I safe from the aliens and not sexy? Or am I taking off with the aliens, which is why you want to get drinks? Either way, let’s do it. We only have one life on this planet. 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

25 thoughts on “Online Dating: Some People are Still Single for a Reason

  1. Lindsey says:

    Brilliant…it takes all kinds…

  2. Jared says:

    I think online dating isn’t as taboo as it used to be. It’s still lame, but definitely more common these days. I tried eHarmony for a couple weeks… waste of ninety bucks. You should reactivate your account and keep talking to the guys that message you… then write a series on it ; )

  3. Meg says:

    Online dating definitely brings out the, um, interesting sides of people we might not otherwise see! I was on OkCupid.com for a few months before I met my boyfriend (on the site!) — it was an endless source of hilarity and amusement. Some of the messages were pretty sketch, but most were from normal-seeming guys.

    I went on dates with three men before I met Spence — all of them were nice, intelligent, thoughtful guys, and I didn’t feel like anyone had misrepresented themselves (and hopefully they would say the same about me). We just didn’t click. But I had a really good overall experience and recommend it to others — for the amusing stories, of nothing else . . .

    • Wow! That is nuts that you met him online. How cool! I am sure I would have found some really cool guys if I had gone out with anyone. I honestly was being selfish and using the site for attention rather than actually wanting to date.

  4. I can’t tell you how many times I frowned and rolled my eyes when I read the match comments. Good grief, I know I haven’t dated in what…like 24 years ( I am only 43 so I’m not completely out of touch!), but seriously, if this is what the dating world has turned into, you’re in trouble. You may as well just stock up on chocolate and head right back to that “interesting” store you and your friend were checking out the other day. 😉

    You have to love #1. He at least has figured out what women want to hear…”deep emotional relationship”….with a man? I’m sorry, but those are what best girlfriends are for. I can’t remember many deeply emotional men from my dating years. And I’m sure if I ran across them, they weren’t the ones I was attracted to. Ha!

    You should start a new blog called “Dear RingFingerTanLine” where you advise these online dating men on what women really want and to certainly leave aliens out of their pick up lines. 🙂

  5. mackubex1 says:

    DAMN !! girl .. i find it very hard to believe dat u had to use online dating service ..

    SHAME on the men living in ur Neighborhood …

    Cheers..

    ** plz note this is in no way a flirt… its a genuine comment .. !!

    • Haha, thanks! I do see real men (if you want to call them that) every once in a while, but match.com was a phase when I wasn’t really ready yet after the whole breaking up with my husband thing

  6. kzackuslheureux says:

    I gotta tell you this.. I too found myself unwillingly single: unwillingly cheated on, lied to, and stolen from… only I was given three amazing sons out of the deal. I then buckled down and went to gram my B.A. in Geography and wondered if I would ever trust another man again. I was on my last year at the U and looking at going to Bolivia to work with indigenous people. So I went on international sites to meet people from Latin America and get a little more cultural understanding. I was on a site like Match for maybe one week when I met the love of my life from Canada. I married him two years later and we had another boy two years after that. We both feel pretty lucky, pretty blessed, but my husband would be the first to agree with me, “A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.” Carry on!

    • What a sweet story! It’s so funny how the love of your life can turn up in the most unexpected places. I am not expecting mine to come along for a while longer (God help him if he comes sooner- I am definitely not ready!), but I am so looking forward to being in the beautiful place you’re in with your family. Until then, I have two beautiful furbabies who keep me plenty occupied 🙂

  7. singlenocats says:

    Hilarious- and so true! It’s comical to see how guys come on to you when you’re online dating. I’ll always remember the guy who wrote me and I didn’t respond within the apparent proper amount of time so then he called me a whore for not writing him back. lol

  8. rmv says:

    i used match.com twice. well, when i say “twice” i really mean i had two relationships that began because of that site. the first lasted about 2 1/2 years. we almost got married until i realized that i would also have to live with her kids. they were both girls, 19 and 20, neither with jobs but both with access to mom’s ATM card. both would occasionally be in the middle of parties when mom would get home from work. took a while before i learned those things.

    second one was interesting because she might have been the only woman who contacted me first. that was about 8 years ago, and we’re still hanging in there. she’s been married twice, so i can understand why she’s not quick to get married again. however, it’s kind of interesting that in the middle of this sentence i just realized that this relationship has reached more years than the number of years i was with my ex-wife before we got married. she and i had been together 7 years before getting married. not sure if that really means anything, but it’s interesting.

    happy day.

  9. That last one confused me, too. I don’t think there’s any shame on Match.com. Sometimes it works. And when it doesn’t, it makes for some good stories like those messages!

  10. Hoo Sze Ling says:

    You ARE pretty. What are you talking about?

    I’ve done online dating before and you meet the normal ones and the weird ones too. Keep us updated!!!!!

  11. ConnieMaria says:

    LOL the alien one is just….yeah i dont know. Too weird.

    What is wrong with these guys?!

I <3 Comments. Leave one. Or else.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: