What a Naughty Little Catholic

The Lenten season is nearly upon us. Once again, it is time for Catholics around the globe to flash their boobs for plastic beads, then deprive themselves of something that’s usually kind of irrelevant and unnecessary until Easter. The past few years, I have been a very naughty Catholic. I gave up giving things up for Lent. It was pretty easy.

However, on the off-year when we do uphold this tradition of sacrifice, us Catholics don’t fuck around. One year, I gave up all sweets. It ranks pretty highly in my list of “worst months ever” – right below the whole cheating ex-husband phase. I thought maybe it would help me shed a couple of extra pounds, but it really just turned me into an angry bitch. I guess that’s what being Catholic is all about.

This year, I am getting back on the horse and making a Lenten vow. For the next forty days and forty nights, I will forgo one of my very favorite things: drunk sex. It will be frustrating and admittedly difficult to abide by (especially when under the influence), but after last night, it has to be done.

What happened last night, you ask? Well, I slept with a new man. I will call him Party Boy. I should have seen the red flag waving in front of Party Boy’s face as soon as he told me he had met me before in a dream. He was truly convinced of this. Yes, that’s right: I am his living dream come true.

The sex was phenomenal, and I feel I deserved that since my last romp in the sack lasted approximately two minutes. Seriously, that dude needs to get some stamina. But after that, I was bored and decided at approximately 4:30 am that I wanted to go home. Not in the morning, right then.

Party Boy parked his car elsewhere, so he made me call myself a cab. Then, when I asked him to help me find my clothes, he moved about two inches before explaining that he was tired and refusing my request. That’s when I snapped into bitch mode.

It started out as a lashing remark, then evolved into a full-on scream session. I went off about what a dickhead he was, taking my clothes off and throwing them around his room like a fucking tree monkey, then sitting on the bed like a useless hunk of lard when I needed to find them. There were a lot of bad words and creative insults thrown in there that I am still patting myself on the back about.

As I stormed out of his place, he asked for my number. You see, he wanted to take me on a date. As any classy lady would do, I yelled some more and told him I never wanted to see his sorry ass again. He begged me to take his number, to which I replied “you actually think I would call you?” The standstill came to an end when he typed his number in my phone and called himself.

It took him all of five hours to call me. Then he called again later today. And texted. Why is it always the losers who actually call? I get a secret satisfaction knowing that he actually wants to date me, but can’t. Nanny-nanny boo-boo, douchebag.

So since my taste in men seems to be getting progressively worse, I have decided that my slut factor needs to decrease. Like tenfold. And the only way that’s going to happen is by binding myself to written contract with the big guy himself. So here it is:

  • I shall not sleep with anyone while under the influence. 
  • I shall not enter a guy’s apartment or take him home with me after drinking. 
  • Sober sex is acceptable, unlikely though it may be. 
  • I fully understand that this may result in loss of sanity and/or excessive urge to have sex at Easter Sunday church services.

Wish me luck in my quest. God knows I’ll need it.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

14 thoughts on “What a Naughty Little Catholic

  1. With you in spirit. I made the same resolution. I am going to eat lots of chocolate this lent.

  2. Meghan says:

    Good luck, girlie!

    Im giving up sweets for Lent…mainly bc I need to break my habit of wanting a sweet treat after every meal. Tonight I gambled with my husband id go get us blizzards if our basketball team was winning at halftime…turns out our team was down by 15. Sign from God I don’t need a blizzard!

    But on Tuesday, my diet will just be Shamrock Shakes. How about that for Fat Tuesday!

  3. CJ says:

    Good Luck! 🙂

  4. themoonandme says:

    The only good in being a Catholic is the amount of rules we can break. It’s almost as if somebody pious somewhere hears about a new kind of fun and immediately writes in the book of ‘Shit Catholics Can’t Do’. If we all start to like praying, that will be banned and punishable by sitting very quietly in a deadly boring mass for the rest of your natural born life. I think the trick with Lent is to pretend you hate everything. Alternatively, it does make me feel kinda’ dangerous when I don’t bless myself several times immediately when I think of God! If you break this vow, you are 110% guaranteed to have the absolute wildest and filthiest sex. EVER. Being Catholic is almost kinky, don’tcha’ think?!

    • I honestly don’t know which is more hilarious – the original post or this particular comment.
      Myself being a “recovering Catholic”, I tend to look on in awe at dogmatic rules imposed on the followers of faith. Ramadan had me raising an eyebrow in genuine impression. Mormons and caffeine has me going “hmmm…”. None of this is athestic scorn, mind you – I have my own ideas of faith – more like either a “Would I make a good *fill in the blank*?” or more commonly: “Why?”
      As for the… lemme scroll to make sure I get this right… “Fucking tree monkey dickhead” (think I woke up the roosters laughing at this one)…he FULLY deserved everything he got – screaming included. His behavior led me to ask “what the fuck…?” on more than one occasion, and I hope that I will not be snickered at when I say that all guys are not like that. I hope to whatever-higher-power-there-might-be not. Otherwise I’m fairing *really* well competion-wise, I missed a Guy Meeting somewhere and didn’t get the memo, or the majority of women I’ve found both intriguing and inevitably unavailable have lowered their standards so much that the art of wooing has gone relatively extinct like Latin, cursive, and proper grammar and punctuation in texts/emails.

    • Hahaha, tell me about it! I think us Catholics just like to feel like we are living on the edge, so we make things “wrong.” Then they are so much better when we actually do them!

  5. Socialkenny says:

    LMAO hilarious post right here.

    Have you been keeping true to your so-called pledges(eventhough enough time hasn’t passed yet)?

  6. […] this post, you found my first attempt at a blow-off. And boy, did that blow up. Not only did the guy call me […]

  7. […] That’s what happened. The guy from this post and this […]

  8. Love it! Cracked me up!! And I love being a naughty little anything, but never related it to Catholicism. I’m going to be giggling the whole what to communion on sunday!

I <3 Comments. Leave one. Or else.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: