In the six months since my annulment, I’ve gone through men like water. Or more accurately (based on my beverage consumption), like wine. Some love interests lasted only hours, while others’ facebook profile made my list of top ten most visited websites. But so far, all of them have one common attribute: they kind of suck.
Yes, it’s true. Each suitor has come with his very own fuck-up that I chose to overlook.
Twenty minutes late for our date?
That’s okay, you tried really hard to get here on time. You even sent me a picture of your speedometer.
Let me pay for dinner?
Sure, that makes sense. This is the twenty-first century, after all. In fact, let me get that door for you while I’m at it.
Refuse to help me find my clothes because you’re too fucking tired?
Why not. It is pretty early.
The explanation for my behavior is simple: I love men, sex and attention. Coming out of a marriage where I was cheated on with upwards of twenty lucky ladies, I was in desperate need of the latter. I hang on to dead-end men until they turn me loose, simply because it’s difficult for me to let go for fear that I can’t do any better.
A lot of women feel this way. And guess what? It’s fucking ridiculous. If you have to wonder whether you can do better, the answer is yes. I am finally at a point where I understand that I can blow a guy off when he screws up. Because there are a million douchebag clones just like him I can go find in the unlikely event that I ever want him back.
At this point, I still want to be single… but I’d like to be single with standards.
You know what? I don’t want the penis that makes me forget I have a gag reflex or the one that hardly fits. I deserve a proper-sized one, damn-it. And a man who will rub my back and make me breakfast attached to it.
In this post, you found my first attempt at a blow-off. And boy, did that blow up. Not only did the guy call me after I bitched him out at 4:30am, he has called me at least five times. He has texted me asking to hang out, asking to let him apologize, asking for just a phone call. I have never had someone pursue me this persistently, and it is kind of freaking me out.
I told him that I have wasted enough time not being treated how I would like to be, and I am just not interested for that reason. He insists that he knows how to treat a lady (track record says otherwise), and is begging me to give him one dinner date to prove it.
So, my loyal readers, what should I do? Do I go on the date? It will surely involve excessive chivalry and a free fancy dinner, which I always enjoy. It would also make a pretty good blog post. Then again, this guy already struck out with me. Does douchebaggery deserve a second chance?
Help me here, folks. I’m torn.