A Letter to Future Ex-Wives

For the last six months, I have been an official member of the ex-wives club. And by that I mean I made my own club, which really just consists of me having a weekly meeting with my good friends ice cream and self-pity.

Divorce ain’t like summer camp, my friends. You don’t get a welcome letter into your new life or a mentor with a high-pitched voice (unless there is something I am being seriously left out of). And you know what? Those things would have actually been very helpful.

I’d love to have my own ex-wives club. It would be like the First Wives Club, only without the horrifying white pant suits and karaoke version of “You Don’t Own Me.”

So for all of the ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-lovers out there –  here is a welcome letter, from me to you.

WELCOME, FRIEND!

I am sorry to snatch you into my club under such terrible circumstances, but glad that you are here.

From this moment on, please expect that everyone you have ever met will act fucking crazy around you. Do not be alarmed. This is normal.

Most of them have heard your news indirectly, and will feel the need to text and let you know they are here for you. Especially if you haven’t spoken for three or more years. During this time, I ask that you refrain from punching any babies or purchasing knives.

You will then experience a brief blackout period lasting anywhere from two to twelve months. You will likely never remember what happened in these months because if you are smart, you will be heavily sedated.

At all stages, be sure to stay away from social media. You don’t need to know that your ex got laser hair removal and a nose job to feel better about himself post-breakup. It will only leave you thinking how you would have rather waxed his chest yourself and performed surgery on his testicles instead of his nose.

Follow these tips, and when you’re ready to stop crying embarrassingly in public, I will be so very glad to meet you and help you scout out new prospects. Assuming, of course, we don’t share similar taste in men.

Until then, do all the venting you want to your diary. Because in all likelihood, your mom stopped listening weeks ago.

Very sincerely yours,

Fellow Ex-Wife

 

**Editor’s Announcement: Go look at my new “Favorite Recipes” tab. I put a lot of hard work into making those damned links work and you guys are going to click them whether you like it or not. Kthanks.

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9 thoughts on “A Letter to Future Ex-Wives

  1. Jared says:

    Oh marriage. What a superficial institution it has become. If I get married before 35, I’ll be shocked. And if that doesn’t work out, that’s it.

    Let’s see, dad’s been divorced, his brother twice, his sister’s divorced, my brother’s on his fourth wife, my sister’s divorced… any other reasons to be cynical toward marriage? No, not necessary.

    Wait a few years, sift through all the decent men you can to find the good. Then, sift further to find the great ones. Then, sift even further for the one that makes you his world. Lots of great years ahead for you to do that.

    Happy hunting!

  2. postmod says:

    Would have appreciated some of that information after my breakup. It’s like some stupid right of passage that you have to discover a lot of these things out on your own. Though I may not have believed it and/or I would have thought I would handle things differently than most. Sometimes it doesn’t sink in until you experience it and no warning in the world will stop you. But at least when you come to your senses you would realize you had someone who cared and tried to warn you.

  3. “It will only leave you thinking how you would have rather waxed his chest yourself and performed surgery on his testicles instead of his nose.”

    Totally makes me think of the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin!

    That’s funny you say that, I am in school training to become an esthetician and yesterday my girl friend had her ex in to wax his back and she may have been intentionally a little rough 😉

  4. rmv says:

    very witty. jealous of your style and humor.

    i’ve been divorced 11 years, and i love when people ask, “do you think you’ll ever get married again?” one easy answer is, “how the fuck do i know?” another answer is, “i hope that someday i love someone sooo much that i WANT to get married again, but i don’t know.”

  5. […] damage. By the way, most of us have ex-lovers that branded their bullshit in our brain for life, read this post to get a little laugh about it & a reminder that you’re never […]

  6. CJ says:

    I am saving this and sending it to all my friends who happen down this road. This is perfect. Good luck!

  7. ConnieMaria says:

    I might just need this someday! You never know.

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