The Booty Call is Out. The Sext is In.

It is time for all of us to face the inevitable (albeit tragic) truth that the Booty Call is dead.

Yes, I know. I, too, am saddened and distraught to witness the extinction of this time-honored tradition. But from the time we sent our first text, I think we all knew this day would come.

And so, it is in its perverted offspring, the Booty Sext, that the legacy of the Booty Call will be with us always.

Though similar to its predecessor in vulgarity, the Booty Sext has a few distinct characteristics. It can be easily identified by its late hour, misspellings, grammatical flaws, and use of the word “fuck” by a man who did not just stub his toe. To the unsuspecting sober female, the Booty Sext may be quite uncomfortable. It’s a good thing I don’t know any of those girls, because they sound lame.

Since I spent ages dragging around the deadweight I like to call my ex-husband, I wasted many prime Booty Call years. I never experienced the sound of slurred pick-up lines and dirty talk, and I think it has left a void. Last night, that void began to fill with a string of Booty Sexts from my very own Back Alley Way Lover (BAWL).

As a quick summary for those of you just tuning into the saga that is BAWL, there was obviously some fondling in a darkened alley followed by a string of mediocre dates. Nonetheless, BAWL was the first man (other than my ex-husband) who I dated since I was 18 years old, so it has been difficult to get him out of my head completely. Or it could be because he is one of the most attractive men I have every seen in person. Toss-up. In any case, I will be forever indebted to him for fulfilling the sexual fantasy I never knew I had in that alleyway.

We fizzled out a couple of months ago, but ran into each other at a bar last night. It was clear that the flame was re-kindled to a certain extent. I eventually went back to my friends until closing time, after which I called it a night.

Just before my ceremonial face-plant onto the bed, I glanced at my phone.

“Alley?” it read.

Oh my dear Jesus, did I wish I had checked that ten minutes earlier. The things my imagination had done to him in that alleyway since our first encounter would have finally become a sweet, sweet reality.

“Already home, maybe next time,” I teased with a winky face. Innocent and playful enough, I thought. BAWL seemed to think this was a bad excuse, and quickly changed the pace of the conversation.

“Would def be liking to suck on your tits right now,” read the next message.
Who wouldn’t? Get in line, I thought.

This is the point at which my logical self would have ended the conversation. But it appears that my sexual, hormonal self can be a pushy bitch until she gets her way because I will be damned if that raunchy sext didn’t almost work.

After some teasing, flirting, and his suggestion that my friend and I come over and make out in front of him (so very tempting), the sexting ceased. And so this morning, my legs and my lenten vow remained together and intact respectfully. For now.

Oh, dear.

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16 thoughts on “The Booty Call is Out. The Sext is In.

  1. Katherine says:

    I love it when people actually write about interesting/scandalous/juicy stories!

  2. Socialkenny says:

    Lmao I never actually thought about this until now.I can’t recall the last time I had a booty call.It might actually be dead and replaced.

  3. brains says:

    three things:

    1. i am exceptionally good at sexting, and it has resulted in wine spills, leaving someone’s house without my underwear, sleeping 45 minutes on occasional nights…
    b. i have gotten in a lot of trouble because i’m exceptionally good at sexting
    iii. i would do it all again. twice on a sunday.

  4. Jared says:

    If I could, I’d send you a Borat-gram – since no one has created such a ridiculous waste of time, I commend you with this basic prototype….

  5. zkhei says:

    Hahaah booty-sexting is quite fun if you’re feeling a little cheeky 😉 and the boys a cutie whos easy to tease.

    And I love how the first and only word outta BAWL’s booty-sexting mouth is “alley?” I choked on my fried rice.

  6. […] not everyone has the same rules for texting. Some women dismiss a guy who sexts (apparently I don’t). In any case, these are my rules. Gentlemen, grab a pen because you will be immediately dismissed […]

  7. […] of Whole Foods and waited for him to arrive. That’s when I spotted him. Not my date – Back Alley Way Lover. Yes, my first first date in Austin had the gall to purchase whatever bananas, eggs, and […]

  8. […] enough, the building my friend moved into also houses a certain Back Alley Way Lover. Approximately 10 seconds after I posted a picture of the view, he texted me asking if I was in his […]

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