In my six months of singlehood, it has come to my attention that texting is the new mating call. And in a world where young people hook up at rates disturbingly close to those seen on Jersey Shore, knowing how to do it right is no joking matter.

It requires a delicate balance of tact and grammatical correctness to leap over the abyss of text failure and make it to the first date. And let me tell you, friends – nobody comes back from the abyss.

Now not everyone has the same rules for texting. Some women dismiss a guy who sexts (apparently I don’t). In any case, these are my rules. Gentlemen, grab a pen because you will be immediately dismissed for committing any of the following offenses:

1. Sending me paragraphs. It’s great that you have a really funny story to tell me. Now stop clogging my fucking inbox and tell it to me over dinner instead.

2. Using too many abbreviations. One fell into the abyss for this reason just last week. Y u no wnt 2 date? Because I’m not sure you passed preschool, that’s why.

3. Misspelling too many words. You get two strikes for the sake of autocorrect, but one man actually texted me to turn at a stop sine. Unless he’s being facetious about trigonometry, that’s a deal breaker. Though I do appreciate a good math joke.

4. Texting anything serious or important. Examples of things to talk about face-to-face: I love you, I actually like men, or I have chlamydia. Sorry about that.

5. Texting without reason. “Hello.” Goodbye.

You may wonder why I’ve got texting on the brain. Well, on Saturday night (before meeting my fake gay bff), I met a very sweet guy who also happened to be rather attractive. We chatted it up for about twenty minutes before I had to leave with my friends, and he got my number on the way out.

We have been texting back and forth since, and though he is coming on very strongly, he seems like a genuine guy who really wants to take me out and treat me well. His texts are quite frequent, but do not violate any of the above rules. So let’s give the guy a chance. Poor thing has no idea what he is signing up for, anyway. We’ll see how long he can hang, starting with dinner tomorrow night.

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15 thoughts on “Textiquette

  1. Claire Lopez says:

    Wooohoooo! Congrats! Hope this one is nice to you. If not, I’m sure we’ll read about it on Wednesday. Have fun!

  2. Lauren says:

    hahaha this has me laughing to myself at my desk – very accurate!

  3. Amen! Good luck with the good texter!

  4. And here I thought I was the only one who had texting standards.Ah. Relief.

  5. ReginaMae says:

    I like the list! Mine also includes a rule about punctuation. As in, if you do not use any punctuation, I do not want to go out with you.

    I mean really, if you can’t take a few extra seconds to add an apostrophe, comma or period, how can I trust you to take a few extra minutes on me!

  6. Fingers crossed, hope this one’s a good one! You need some kind of way to make sure these people you meet aren’t serial killers.

    I completely agree about the abbreviations, but that might be because I’m old and don’t know what a lot of them mean. 😉 It’s irritating though, I have a neighbor (a grown woman) who does that when we text. I’m always like, whatever lady, I have no friggin idea WHAT you are trying to tell me.

    Have you heard from the fake Gay BFF?

    I had to laugh at the text at the opening of your blog. A month ago my son was fighting with his girlfriend and had sent me a text about it. (We don’t like her…) And I was trying to be all cool and supportive and then went to text my husband in between texting my son and sent it to my son on accident. Ha! I was standing in the kitchen pressing random buttons on my phone and screaming NOOoooooooooo…. Because I went from being to supportive and all grown up with my son to texting my husband and saying, “Oh. My. God. Brandon is fighting with Makaila and…..”

    My son then sent me back a message that said, “Nice. Next time you might want to actually look at who you’re sending the message to.”

    LOL My bad.

    • HAHAHHAHA proof that texting fails apply to moms, too 🙂

      Haven’t heard from fake gay bff. Hope to God I never do.

      I am actually getting a little worried about the date tonight- since I posted this, new guy has sent me not one but THREE pointless text messages. Still giving it a chance. Hopefully he plays it a little cooler in person! God, I’m hard to please.

      • I think texting kind of ruins the newness and excitement of it all. But then again, I haven’t dated someone in 23 years. LOL! I loved not knowing when he was going to call though and having him just show up, waiting for me in his car with his feet hanging out the window taking a nap when I got home from work or out with friends. I would think if I had talked to him via text a gazillion times, it would have ruined some of the butterflies that are so fun when you date.

        In my experience, men aren’t the best communicators, even on a good day. Texting makes that glaringly obvious. There should be a new rule. No texting before the first date. 😉

  7. Hopeful for you with the new guy you just met =)

  8. gingerjudgesyou says:

    Ummm…. “Using too many abbreviations. One fell into the abyss for this reason just last week. Y u no wnt 2 date? Because I’m not sure you passed preschool, that’s why.”… Absolutely HILARIOUS!

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