Category Archives: Fashion, Home & Beauty

How-to: Idiot-Proof Your Red Lipstick

To me, red lips are the ultimate in classic glamour. When I think of myself with them, I usually envision finger waves in my hair, a martini in my hand, and a well-dressed gentleman sending me another round from across the bar. A day which I will continue to look forward to and creepily linger in bars waiting for.

In addition to its timeless sex appeal, red lipstick is a fabulous tool for boy scouting. It beckons the single man, while warding off the cheater who will worry about it lingering on his lying little face. Doesn’t that just make you want to send a complimentary gift basket of red lipstick to every little home wrecker out there?

Yes, red lipstick is the ultimate sex-me-now for the single life, but it is not for the faint of heart. Nor does it compliment the acne-ridden thirteen-year-old, particularly rosaceous, or those plagued with extremely-bland-personality-disorder. Should you fall into one or more of those categories, not even the following tricks can help you. Maybe go find a post on curing those problems and get back to me.

To master the art of wearing red lipstick without looking like an idiot, you must prepare yourself with the proper tools. A good quality lipstick is key (I like Chanel Rivoli from the Coco Rouge collection). You must also have some sort of primer/foundation, red lipliner in a similar shade to your lipstick, light or clear gloss, q-tips, and make-up remover.

First, prime your lips with some kind of nude-colored substance. My lips never go completely nude, but this is a lot less color than they normally have. Using the primer will give you a clean canvas to work on and help everything last longer. Except maybe your male companion – I make no promises on that.

Next, use the lipliner to line your lips. Once you’re done, fill both entire lips with the liner. It should look like you have a light red lipstick on.

The lipliner always stays on longer than the lipstick, so in an emergency where you can’t reapply post-lunch or coffee, this will ensure that you don’t walk around looking like a child drew lips on your face.

Finally, go over the liner with your lipstick and a gloss for finish.

Tips for inevitable damage control:

Never underestimate the power of a dry q-tip. This is your first, and hopefully only, line of defense.

Should the dry q-tip fail you, moisten it with a tiny bit of make-up remover. Under no circumstances wet the q-tip. That will end with you looking like a vampiress who just ate dinner.

Good luck out there, little vixens. Wear your red lipstick with pride, and should you see a cheater, be sure to get it on his shirt as he walks by.

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How-to: DIY Chalkboard Frames

Look at these chalkboard frames and their empty white frame friends. They are fucking adorable, don’t try and tell me otherwise. Maybe they are not 100% straight, but I think it adds to the home-made charm.

These lovely items are currently adorning the red accent wall in my beautiful new home, but I bet you would never guess their orignal purpose. I actually made these long ago for the best and most beautiful party I have ever been to: my wedding. Here they are looking smashing on the chairs and tables:

I wish I had taken pictures of the whole process, but at the time I did not have the foresight to know that my marriage would have a quick and painful demise, leading to the creation of this glorious blog. Silly me. Must begin reading tarot cards.

From what I remember, here are the best instructions that I can give:

  1. Find assorted frames at goodwill, salvation army, Michael’s, etc.
  2. Purchase them. This step is important if you want to avoid arrest.
  3. Remove the backs and glass.
  4. Spray paint the frames whatever color you’d like (I have a penchant for white) and allow ample dry time.
  5. Take the glass that was in the frame and douse it in chalkboard spray paint. Do at least 2-3 coats. You can get the paint at Michael’s or Hobby Lobby, but it is in the locked up cabinet so that the employees don’t get high off of it or steal it to make their own fabulous chalkboard frames. Go figure.
  6. Re-assemble and go to town. Draw pretty patterns, love quotes, unicorns, rainbows, phallic shapes – whatever your heart desires.

Enjoy!

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Hair How-to: Velcro Rollers

When I read that Giada DeLaurentiis uses velcro rollers, I had to have them. We have a love/ hate relationship, Giada and I. She has all of the things I want in life, except for her unusually short arms. She can keep those. But come on, the bitch already has multiple shows on Food Network, I was not about to let her have better hair, too.

To even the playing field (yes, I realize I am kidding myself there), I bought myself some velcro rollers and went to town. I used them five times with absolutely no success. You see, the how-tos out there just assume that you kind of know what you are doing with these babies. Newsflash: I didn’t. So here is my idiot’s how-to guide to straight, shiny hair with volume and body.

Apply a bit of pomade to the ends and roots of your hair. Mr. Pomade is my good friend. You may recognize him from my post on curls.

Part your hair into sections using a comb. Roll up the sections and secure each with a bobby pin. Be sure to get them as close to the scalp as you can, this will create the extra oomph.

Keep rolling until your head looks like an octopus.

Here is the part that nobody ever told me to do. BLOW-DRY IT. Yes, your hair is already dry. I understand that. But the heat will make your hair actually stay how it is supposed to, just like hot rollers. I feel very stupid for not having realized I was supposed to do this until my sixth attempt.

Wait at least 20 minutes to let your hair cool and set. Then, take each roller and pin out, starting at the bottom.

Eh Voila! My hair never has much body, so yours might get a lot more oomph than mine. And for that, I will be jealous. But I bet yours doesn’t flip as easily.

WHACK!

Enjoy, my loves. Stay tuned for more manhunting hairstyles from your favorite divorcee.

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Shoes Heal The Heart

As you can imagine, the months following my breakup (from my husband…. nbd…) have been full of ups and downs. Between sobbing in the middle of Macy’s and living it up with multiple one-night stands, life has been interesting.

Yesterday, I wondered what life was like for my ex. Usually, I like to picture him eating day-old fried chicken in his boxers and crying into the empty bucket when it’s gone. But for some reason, yesterday’s curiosity couldn’t be satiated by these hypothetical images. So I decided to look on his Google+ Profile.

Normally, his posts relate to very boring technology news and are supplemented by idiotic comments that use improper grammar (I always knew that should have been a red flag). The latest one, however, was a photo album from Austin’s “Carnaval Brasileiro”…which is apparently an excuse for men to look at women who are wearing only body paint.

My ex sported an open shirt, showing off his newly-waxed chest. Oh baby. Why did I ever let you go. He has many pictures with naked women (yay), but the ones that really bothered me were with normal-looking girls. Nice, wonderful girls who should be warned! The last thing on earth I want is for some unsuspecting female, much like myself, to fall for him. I just want to staple this notice to his forehead so badly:

WARNING. THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS. HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH UGLY WOMEN AT HOTELS THAT PROBABLY HAVE BEDBUGS (EW). HE ALSO HAS A PROBLEM GETTING IT UP AND STARTED TAKING VIAGRA AT THE AGE OF 25. TRUE STORY. SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE. DON’T WALK – RUN.

Ladies, if you see this chest, RUN. RUN AWAY SO FAST. And he should be really upset that he no longer has me to tell him how much he looks like a tool in white pants. Disgusting.

Anyway, my day was very much brightened when I cam home to TWO lovely boxes from ShoeDazzle sitting on my porch. I think I’ve got butterflies again 🙂


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Austin, My Austin

Check out these amazing vintage subway prints I bought on Etsy (from this shop) today! I am so excited to put them against my red accent wall in my new place. 1.5 weeks until move-in!

Also, following with the theme of Austin pride, here are some shots I took around town. I ❤ this city.

I love happy bacon, too.

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