Tag Archives: lifestyle

Can I Have Your Baby?

What is it about another person’s baby that makes a single woman’s uterus burn with desire? Could it be knowing you don’t have to change the diapers? The cold, hard proof that its mother is getting more action than you are? The thrilling danger associated with stealing it in the night and raising it as your own? (Kidding… kind of)

I am visiting a sweet little newborn tonight – one of the many my friends all seem to be having right now. Yes, my facebook feed is caught in a raging baby boom. Some of the babies are cute as hell.. others not so much. Let’s be honest- some newborns look like tiny aliens. It’s just a fact.

No matter how sci-fi, I want them all. I want their tiny hands and feet on my fingers. I want to coo in their chubby little faces. I want to tawk wike dis, oh yes I dew!

The female instinct mystifies me. It is only the most unstable, horrifying times in my life when I want a baby. It’s okay that I have no prospect of a positive male role model for a child to look up to… I could take care of it myself, right? It could just hang out with the dogs while I’m at work all day. They like kids… 

I have to wonder if somewhere in the female brain, babies are the default fix-it. The cure-all for depression, anxiety, heartache, and boredom. Isn’t that why Nicole Ritchie keeps having them?

No matter how much I love tiny little people and would love making them gourmet baby food with this, I think I will stick to the dogs for another five ten years. I place far too much value on free time, sleep, and alcohol at this point in my life to be a suitable mother. Besides, can you imagine what kind of a father the men I have been seeing lately would make?

Yes, it’s best to wait… best to wait.

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The Truth About Men

Men are simple creatures. Frustrating, beguiling, exhausting, simple creatures. If there is one thing I have learned through a five-year relationship, six month marriage, relationship counseling, and affair recovery retreat, it’s that.

I never understood the games men played until I realized a staggering truth: they don’t play any. If a man contacts you, he probably wants to have sex with you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. There are no conversations between him and his best friend on how he should “play hard to get if he really likes you.” There are no phone calls to his mother for advice. There is only one thought in his mind, and it’s a yes or no question that he doesn’t need anyone’s help to answer.

Whether or not we want a man to call does not factor into the equation. Men don’t care if you have been waiting for them for weeks or you never want to hear from them again. They contact you when it’s convenient for them, and are as persistent as they feel like being. I had a friend whose creeper extraordinnaire actually used Google Latitude to track her through the bars in San Francisco.

In the world of dating, if a man you are/were seeing contacts you, it’s usually because he wants something. Likely suspects include: sex, potential for future sex, or food. Does it matter what this message says? Absolutely not. “I am in NYC”  “Crazy weather, huh?”  “How bout those egg McMuffins?” – it’s all the same. It’s an in. Once every couple of weeks, I receive a message from my ex-husband akin to this one:

Call me ASAP, it’s important.
-What do you want?
I got the cable bill forwarded to me and I think you can get a better deal by switching plans. We need to talk about it.
-No, we don’t. Goodbye.

Yes, men are simple – they talk to us when they want to and avoid us when they don’t. But as mentioned, I am of the opinion that the act of them reaching out trumps the actual message content. Those who claim that men say exactly what they mean are full of shit. Case in point:

Let’s watch a movie at my place. Let’s have sex.
Let’s make dinner. You can make me dinner, then let’s have the sex.
Want to go to the movies? I’ll pay for your ticket if we can have sex after.

You see, men are simple – but not stupid. They have learned to adapt to us female folk. They can’t say how badly they want to jump us aloud, because then we won’t let them. As a result, when we think they are playing games to “keeping us guessing,” they are in fact just taking the time to try and form “sleep with me?” into a more socially appropriate question.

So now that we’re clear on that, what does it mean when a man doesn’t call? Not interested. Move on. 

And what does it mean when he won’t stop calling? Desperate as fuck. Run.

Recently, I have become an expert in the latter type of man. Now that my ex no longer has my income to fund his wine & dine sessions with white trash girls, he is the aforementioned desperate moron. Last night, he was on my turf with friends and wanted to know if he could come to my place and visit the dogs. Only if I have a hit man waiting for you instead of the dogs, buddy. After he called seven times and sent text messages containing only question marks, I kicked into expert avoidance mode.  I replied with a simple “No, I am not home,” thus defeating the possibility of his visit.

Pleased with myself, I arrived at the bar to meet my friends. Then suddenly, it dawned on me – he could be there. Okay, it wasn’t very likely – there are hundreds of bars in Austin. But I was afraid nonetheless. Logically, I hid in my car until I could get a hold of a friend to make sure I wouldn’t be solo. As I got a hold of my friend and started to walk to the door, I saw that he texted me. He had just left the very same bar – probably less than a hundred feet away from where I was standing.

The Twilight Zone theme song cued up in my head and I tried my hardest to sink into the night with the help of my black jacket. In true avoider fashion, I didn’t dare reply for fear that he would burst back into the bar and start crying (he cries a lot). In the end, the crisis was averted. Ex avoided. Winning all around.

Yes, he was being a stage five clinger- but can I truly blame him for it? The truth about men is they are not bad people. They know what they want, they do their best to go after it, and they try – however poorly – to disguise their intention to deflower you. Men don’t ponder the meaning of your text message, they just choose whether or not they feel like responding. They are not going to sit around and tell their BFF about every detail – they will take action. Single men see the fact that they are not yet sleeping with you much like they see everything you ever complain about to them: as a problem to be solved.

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