Tag Archives: style

Hair How-to: Velcro Rollers

When I read that Giada DeLaurentiis uses velcro rollers, I had to have them. We have a love/ hate relationship, Giada and I. She has all of the things I want in life, except for her unusually short arms. She can keep those. But come on, the bitch already has multiple shows on Food Network, I was not about to let her have better hair, too.

To even the playing field (yes, I realize I am kidding myself there), I bought myself some velcro rollers and went to town. I used them five times with absolutely no success. You see, the how-tos out there just assume that you kind of know what you are doing with these babies. Newsflash: I didn’t. So here is my idiot’s how-to guide to straight, shiny hair with volume and body.

Apply a bit of pomade to the ends and roots of your hair. Mr. Pomade is my good friend. You may recognize him from my post on curls.

Part your hair into sections using a comb. Roll up the sections and secure each with a bobby pin. Be sure to get them as close to the scalp as you can, this will create the extra oomph.

Keep rolling until your head looks like an octopus.

Here is the part that nobody ever told me to do. BLOW-DRY IT. Yes, your hair is already dry. I understand that. But the heat will make your hair actually stay how it is supposed to, just like hot rollers. I feel very stupid for not having realized I was supposed to do this until my sixth attempt.

Wait at least 20 minutes to let your hair cool and set. Then, take each roller and pin out, starting at the bottom.

Eh Voila! My hair never has much body, so yours might get a lot more oomph than mine. And for that, I will be jealous. But I bet yours doesn’t flip as easily.

WHACK!

Enjoy, my loves. Stay tuned for more manhunting hairstyles from your favorite divorcee.

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The ShoeDazzle Swindle

Since my annulment, I have been through a lot of therapy. Sessions generally last about twenty minutes and take place on the most fabulous online clothing & accessory boutiques. Like any good therapy, it’s expensive, but my family fully supports me getting the help that I need to heal. And how do they expect me to move forward in life without great shoes to walk in?

ShoeDazzle became a fast favorite for this retail therapy of mine. The shoes are high quality and all priced at a reasonable $39.95. Recently, I logged on and began browsing their latest contraptions for stepping on my ex-husband’s man parts in style. To my utter delight, I saw that I had been awarded two free credits. TWO FREE CREDITS! I pinched myself, for this could not be happening. Two pairs of beautiful shoes, $0.

These ShoeDazzle folks must have sensed my large influence over today’s fashion and rewarded me with free footwear, I thought.  I have been waiting for this day my entire life.

But alas, I was mistaken. They failed to appreciate my reach to 150 blog followers and a handful of impressionable young children.

Upon further investigation, I found $40 monthly charges trickling out of my bank account and straight into the greedy hands of ShoeDazzle employees. I was outraged. Tormented! My shoe minions had betrayed me. So much for my dramatic ascent to peep toe glory.

So what am I to do? The only way to purchase their wonderful products is to be a member. The only way to not get charged every month is to click a “skip the month” button by the 5th, which we all know I will never do.

I’m torn. I feel betrayed and swindled, plus I really hate that they send me emails from Kim Kardashian. Because I totally care what shoes she is wearing next time she tries to annul her marriage. I started that trend, Kim. And I was wearing my own fabulous shoes doing it.

So the question remains… should I stay, or should I go?

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Shoes Heal The Heart

As you can imagine, the months following my breakup (from my husband…. nbd…) have been full of ups and downs. Between sobbing in the middle of Macy’s and living it up with multiple one-night stands, life has been interesting.

Yesterday, I wondered what life was like for my ex. Usually, I like to picture him eating day-old fried chicken in his boxers and crying into the empty bucket when it’s gone. But for some reason, yesterday’s curiosity couldn’t be satiated by these hypothetical images. So I decided to look on his Google+ Profile.

Normally, his posts relate to very boring technology news and are supplemented by idiotic comments that use improper grammar (I always knew that should have been a red flag). The latest one, however, was a photo album from Austin’s “Carnaval Brasileiro”…which is apparently an excuse for men to look at women who are wearing only body paint.

My ex sported an open shirt, showing off his newly-waxed chest. Oh baby. Why did I ever let you go. He has many pictures with naked women (yay), but the ones that really bothered me were with normal-looking girls. Nice, wonderful girls who should be warned! The last thing on earth I want is for some unsuspecting female, much like myself, to fall for him. I just want to staple this notice to his forehead so badly:

WARNING. THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS. HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH UGLY WOMEN AT HOTELS THAT PROBABLY HAVE BEDBUGS (EW). HE ALSO HAS A PROBLEM GETTING IT UP AND STARTED TAKING VIAGRA AT THE AGE OF 25. TRUE STORY. SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE. DON’T WALK – RUN.

Ladies, if you see this chest, RUN. RUN AWAY SO FAST. And he should be really upset that he no longer has me to tell him how much he looks like a tool in white pants. Disgusting.

Anyway, my day was very much brightened when I cam home to TWO lovely boxes from ShoeDazzle sitting on my porch. I think I’ve got butterflies again 🙂


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Austin, My Austin

Check out these amazing vintage subway prints I bought on Etsy (from this shop) today! I am so excited to put them against my red accent wall in my new place. 1.5 weeks until move-in!

Also, following with the theme of Austin pride, here are some shots I took around town. I ❤ this city.

I love happy bacon, too.

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Sunday Sunshine: Charleston Edition

Today, I am en route from Charleston to Austin. Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like a Sunday at the airport. The smell of overpriced chinese food, the jolting boom of the loudspeaker, the unshakable chill that almost makes you want to pay $5 for a plastic-wrapped blanket… hard to beat this ambiance.

The purpose of my four-day Charleston getaway was to get in some girl time with my college roommates. Last time we saw each other, two of them were walking down the aisle with me toward my future husband. It’s amazing how much life can change in less than a year.

My favorite (and also most difficult) moment of the trip took place on the beach. As we walked to the ocean, I thought about all of the beaches I had been to with my husband. I thought of the time my kite carried me off the ground and I was flipping down the beach – stopping only when he caught my jacket and we both thudded to the ground bursting with laughter. I thought of when we built a sand damn just to see how many waves it could withstand, high-fiving each other with every success.  Of venturing out on perilous-looking rocks, seeing who could find the most tiny crabs. Of falling asleep in the sun and applying aloe to each other’s backs for days. Of salty kisses when I could barely keep my head above water. Of lying in a hammock suspended over the water on our honeymoon, not wanting for anything in the universe but each other.

Everything rushed back to me at once and behind my sunglasses, I started to cry. I tried to ride out the memories in silence, but fortunately, I got caught. Then, four of my best girlfriends surrounded me in the most epic of group hugs. I wish there was an aerial camera to capture that beautiful memory, along with the strange looks the passersby must have been giving us. It was something I’ll never forget.

Charleston brought me joy, pain, and a strong distaste for pastel-colored pants. Along with that, it brought some nice tidbits of sunshine. So without further ado and sappiness, let’s get to the goods.

1. Rustic Gold Jewelry: I am a sucker for dangly earrings. I feel so glamorous and indie chic with these. The best part is that they are super light and only cost $6 at the open marketplace in Charleston. Amen for knockoffs.

2. Goat Cheese: This is a favorite of mine in any state. I could have it in my breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert and die happy. Though I’d rather stay alive so that I can eat more of it. This delicious baguette topped with goat cheese and roasted tomato came in a little lunch bundle with red wine and tomato bisque- all for $8. I have to wonder what they do to the goat cheese in Texas to make it so much more expensive.

3. Casual-Chic Hairdos: One of my girlfriends made this tiny half-braid in her hair for a casual day of urban hiking (aka walking around town). I have always had hair envy for her mermaid locks of gold, but it was exacerbated when she pulled off this beautiful do. Since we live in different states, I am deeming it completely acceptable to rip this off and call it my own when I get back to Texas.

4. Springtime Flats: Measuring in at just above 5’2″, I have a general aversion to flats. They make me feel stumpy, small, and like a fatter, squished version of myself in heels.  However, in the interest of my still-mildly-sprained ankle, I have put all my beautiful heels in temporary confinement and invested in some new flats. And guess what? I don’t hate them! They are sassy, feminine, fun, and perfect for springtime (which starts in a couple of weeks for us Texan folk).

5. Wrought Iron Details: One thing I loved about the deep south was the intricate decor and paint work on the exterior of the homes. I love using white wrought iron indoors to give a modern-vintage feel. If I could steal this from the window, I would put it up on my new red accent wall in a heartbeat. I would also probably be in jail.

Happy Sunday, my friends! May your day have fewer shrill baby screams and less motion sickness than mine.

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